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Even Negative Feedback can be Valuable
We often wonder what others really think about something we’ve said or
done. The only way to find out is to get feedback from them, and it’s
not always going to be positive. However, this doesn’t mean it isn’t all
valuable. In fact, when someone
disagrees with us and tells us why it can be the most valuable feedback
we receive.
When someone criticizes us the first thing we usually want to do is to
reject the criticism and respond with a justification of whatever it is
we’ve said that they’re disagreeing with. This can make for a lively
discussion at parties but if both sides just state their piece and don’t
really listen to what the other side is saying the value of the feedback
will be lost.
There are a couple of very good reasons to listen carefully to feedback,
even if it’s critical of your position or saying something you
completely oppose. The first reason is that you may learn something you
didn’t know before – you might even have got a fact or two wrong.
The second good reason to listen to feedback is that if one person
disagrees with you there could easily be others that feel the same way.
This gives you a chance to either change your position or get additional
information that will support your assertions next time around.
There’s a simple but very effective way to receive feedback, whether
positive or negative, and to make sure you obtain the maximum possible
value from it.
Listen Actively
When someone is giving you feedback you’re probably only half-listening
to what they have to say. The other half of your consciousness is
formulating responses to what they’re saying, and when this happens
you’re missing at least half the value of the feedback you’re getting.
Listening is an art – an active art. You have to work just as hard to
listen to someone else as you do to speak to them. Focus on every word
and if there’s any doubt about what they’re telling you ask them to
clarify what they’ve said. Ask them for examples if it’s helpful to do
so. Be sure that you fully understand what they’re saying.
Manage the Feedback Session
If the other person is angry or hostile do what you can to calm them
down first, before probing for their thoughts or feelings. It’s up to
you to manage the conversation in such a way that both of you are
rational and aiming to discover the truth rather than just repeat what’s
already been said.
One way of controlling a negative person who’s also a bit angry is to
give them feedback on their position. Even if you just say “Yes, I can
understand how you would feel that way” or “I hadn’t thought about that
side of it” you’ll be showing respect for their feelings and calming
down their hostility.
Another management technique that’s useful in feedback sessions is to
repeat every point made by the other person. This helps ensure you fully
understand what it is they’re trying to say as well as forcing the
discussion into a point-by-point structure instead of just letting it
all flow unchecked.
Ask questions to draw them out. One of the best is to ask: “If you were
in my position what would you have done?” or something similar to this.
It gives them a chance to make a contribution by creating an option to
whatever it is that they see as unsatisfactory.
Apologize in the Right Way
Unless something is raised by the other person that completely changes
your mind on the subject chances are you’ll still have some level of
disagreement when the feedback session’s over. One good way to end it is
with an apology that’s not necessarily an admission that you’ve been
wrong.
Some examples of this type of apology are: “I’m sorry if I’ve upset you”
and “If only we could have had this conversation before I said that”. It
doesn’t mean you’ve accepted that you’re wrong; it does tell the other
person that you would prefer not to have upset them with what you said
or did.
Be Thankful and Say It
At the end of the feedback session (or to end the feedback session!)
thank the other person for taking the trouble to tell you their
feelings. Remember the two reasons for paying close attention to
feedback – you might learn something new and you’ll be better prepared
for next time.
In the final analysis you may not change anything despite the feedback
you’ve received. At least you’ve learned some of the reactions others
will have to your position and you’ll be better prepared next time you
want to make the same points, and that’s how you can extract the value
from negative feedback.
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